i cancelled my shows in new zealand today. i couldn't believe it, i was horrified by how badly things can go. the family needs money, i am sicker than i want to let myself know anyways. mom asked me to call a counsellor to try and get some money from a cystic fibrosis charity, i never had to ask for money before really, never from strangers. i guess mom always did that for me. i owe her alot.

i was walking around feeling so damn bad and defeated, i looked across the street and there were women in beautiful muslim get ups laughing in a foreign language and walking with kids, and i looked up over this old vacant building and the sky was laying itself out real nice for all of us. i tried to breath in and be greatful for the breathing i could do. i can barely handle myself when i have to cancel a show.

when i was younger i never understood that when you turned a tv off you missed the program, i thought it paused for you, i used to think everything waited for you.

the small town my cousins lived in, i remember kicking out church windows, killing birds, skinning deer with my uncle, fighting other kids, i remember when i first punched a kid, my hand hurt so damn much but my cousin was slapping my back like a bastard and yelling and calling the other kid a faggot. there was a tee pee in josh's room and drums in chris'. i used to want to have as much stuff as they had. we always lived in other peoples houses, stayed where we could and all. and my cousins had such a big damn house and my uncle used to say stuff like "i wanna make sure my boys get what i never had." i thought he was john wayne or something.

i hate staying still, movement is the only thing that works. all i do now is sleep and eat and work. i put everything into this. i can barely talk to people. i can't read anything, so i'm writing.