Saturday, August 4, 2007

the things that gave me purpose and reason seem stupid. i'm alone and cold, all day i sat in an empty bath tub trying to read, but i kept falling asleep and the words seemed harder to read everytime i woke up. something about my bathtub makes me focus, but i felt so alone it was hard to think about other ideas.

it's all i can do to try and only exist sometimes.

indra told me a story about this house she lived in and the man who lived there before them fashioned opals and jewelry and all, but he killed himself and there was this box full of un-shaped jewels left in the house, but her parents or her grandmother, i can't say which, threw them out into the dirt and she used to dig them up all the time when she was younger. and i repeated in my head for a couple of blocks while we walked together "dust and diamonds." even though she told me they weren't diamonds, the way somebody remembers something is important, even if you just started remembering it.

i go for walks at night now, i make fog with my own breath and i pretend that i am the only one who ever got born sometimes, it's lonely, but only if i can't trick myself into thinking i'm the only person alive.

eternity is not knowing about time and not wanting to know.

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